


Movement

by grammaticallywrong



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Byun Baekhyun is Bad at Feelings, Feels, M/M, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-07 19:20:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,620
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26832844
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grammaticallywrong/pseuds/grammaticallywrong
Summary: Baekhyun can't fall in love no matter how hard he tries.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 36





	Movement

_When you move_

_I'm put to mind of all that I wanna be_

_When you move_

_I could never define all that you are to me_

_\- Movement, Hozier_

  
  
  


Baekhyun thinks he’s sick.

He thinks it’s sick how the tears pooling in Chanyeol’s eyes made him even more beautiful, glass orbs revealing the galaxy that’s been hidden behind his almond shaped eyes. 

Chanyeol’s eyes sparkle and it’s absolutely sick how Baekhyun finds himself breathless at the man in front of him. Chanyeol is handsome, exceptionally so, but even more so now that he’s unravelling in front of him. With his lips trembling, lower lip jutting out only serving to emphasize how plump they are. How undeserving Baekhyun is of this man’s undying affection.

He feels his heart clench at the situation and Baekhyun thinks it’s unfair how Chanyeol, sweet, caring Chanyeol has to experience _this_ . And it’s his _fault_. 

(Is this how heartbreak feels like? Baekhyun doesn’t know. He doesn’t even know what love feels like. But _fuck_ this hurts.)

“Yeol…,” Baekhyun feels his shaking hand reach out to… what? Console him? Tell him it’s going to be okay? To break Chanyeol’s trust in him even more with his sugar-coated bullets made of words? What can he say that can fix this? 

Chanyeol exhales a shaky breath. Eyes blinking the tears away, his fingers wiping the few that trailed down his cheeks.

Baekhyun sees him sniffle and he feels like absolute _shit_ at how broken Chanyeol looks. He doesn’t think he’s seen the other look as devastated. Not until this moment. 

(And it’s his fault, his fault, his fault. All his.)

Baekhyun thinks he also feels himself crumble, but he knows he’s lying to himself. He knows the pain in his heart is a consequence of what he’s done. He’s been so selfish and this is his punishment. He’s going to lose him now. His best friend, his rock, his strength.

“It’s okay, Baek. I understand.”

_Do you really?_ Baekhyun wants to scream. 

Baekhyun is frustrated beyond words and his hands are trembling, itching, and he wants to grab the nearest object and throw it at the wall. 

Baekhyun thinks it’s cruel how he’s the one breaking Chanyeol’s heart yet he’s the one mortified at the thought that he will (probably, most definitely) lose Chanyeol because of how _messy_ this whole situation is. 

He doesn't want to lose him. 

“Yeol, you know I - I can’t -” Baekhyun knows he’s grasping at straws. What use is explaining himself when he knows nothing good will come out of it. It will not change anything and Baekhyun is _frustrated._

“I know. It’s okay. We’ll get through this. I just need time.”

Time.

Baekhyun scoffed internally. 

Time has never been his friend. It is as selfish as he was. It takes, and takes, and keeps on taking bits and pieces of yourself, until you no longer remember who you are. They say you learn from your past but how can he when he can hardly remember what he used to be before this. He is sure this moment will forever be seared in his memory that it will be the only thing he’ll be thinking of for as long as he can breathe.

Time takes and takes and at this moment, time is taking Chanyeol away from him. For every beat of silence that grows is another minute lost between them. 

Baekhyun feels his chest heaving, can feel himself slowly growing frantic at the thought that he’ll never have Chanyeol the same way.

(And it’s his fault. All his fault.)

Chanyeol gives him a watery smile and Baekhyun wants to punch something (himself, most preferably). How can Chanyeol still smile at him even after all of this…

“Come here,” Chanyeol murmurs. 

Baekhyun feels arms circle around him and it’s just so fucking unfair how even after all this, Chanyeol is the one standing strong for the both of them. 

His best friend, his rock, his strength.

“We’ll be okay, Baek.”

  
  


\---

  
  


And they were okay. 

As okay as things are. 

Baekhyun still hates himself over what happened years ago but he’s learned to cope. He thinks he got the worse end of the deal seeing as Chanyeol is still the ray of sunshine that he is.

Baekhyun thought it was ironic how Chanyeol was the one who brought him out of his slump not even days after the event. 

The latter kept throwing him smiles and asking him if he’s okay, and does he need extra help picking out the cucumbers that are in the fried rice? He doesn’t mind, he’ll pick it out one by one.

Baekhyun wants to crawl down a hole and never leave, but he knows it’s not healthy for anybody. Not for Chanyeol, not for the group, especially not for himself. 

Chanyeol constantly describes Baekhyun as his light, but Baekhyun thinks he’s just the moon reflecting off the brightness that the former gives.

Both of them learned to maneuver around each other again, like a satellite being pulled to another planet’s orbit, relearning the push and pull of each other’s gravity. It was inevitable. They were inevitable and sometimes Baekhyun is grateful but he’s already familiarized himself with the guilt that whispers songs to him before he sleeps. 

No one else in the group has noticed. Of course, they were all performers and if they can trick the fans, then they can trick their members too. 

(Although he’s sure the glances between the members and the poorly hidden whispers are about them. But Baekhyun doesn’t care to know.)

“Baekhyunnie, look!” He hears Chanyeol say to his left. 

They were on an official schedule. An outing set for the entire group so they can work and play at the same time.

They were filming on the beach just on the outskirts of Jeju. A location remote enough that the general public will not be able to see and hear multitudes of production crew fluttering around a small island. 

It was break time as they already filmed their dinner scene. The production crew slowly took away equipment to prepare for the next location.

Baekhyun hears Jongdae and Kyungsoo ask the production crew if they need any assistance in moving the equipment, which was politely declined. Baekhyun sees Minseok struggling to be free from Sehun, Kai, and Yixing’s hold. It looks like they’re ready to throw him to the —

A splash.

“Sleep with your eyes open tonight, rascals!” Minseok howls. 

The three mischievously laughed, the rest of the production crew who had their equipment still out recorded the entire debacle. Baekhyun thinks he’s excited to watch the whole segment.

“Baekhyunnie!” He hears next to him and he looks up to see Chanyeol holding his hand out with various kinds of seashells laid neatly across both of his palms. 

“Wha — ” 

Chanyeol slowly places one seashell after another on top of his hair. He’s suddenly closer and he can smell Chanyeol’s distinctive musk mixed with the fresh smell of the ocean.

Baekhyun thinks this should be the part where he should feel intoxicated, his senses should be overwhelmed by the taller's presence.

_But it doesn't_ , guilt whispered in his ears. 

_It doesn't_ , he affirms. But it’s comforting. It’s grounding. And Baekhyun thinks that that alone matters. 

“Yeol, what are you doing?” Baekhyun says as he continues to look up at the taller.

“I’m decorating your big airpod shaped head.”

Chanyeol’s guffaws can be heard as Baekhyun repeatedly smacks him across the chest. 

Chanyeol is comforting. He’s grounding. And Baekhyun thinks that he matters very well.

  
  


\---

  
  


Baekhyun hears love is an intoxicating feeling. 

Hears, because he’s never felt it. Not really. Not in the way people confidently brag about it.

He knows it from his parents, of course. He’s seen how his father looks at his mother when the other is not looking. In his mother’s quiet smiles and loud gestures affirming that yes, she loves him too. 

He knows it from the first time his brother brought a girl home. Baekbeom introduced her as his girlfriend and Baekhyun remembers his parents smiling wide, welcoming her with open arms.

Baekbeom and his then girlfriend didn’t last long but that never stopped his brother from bringing home another one, and another one, and looking completely, stupidly in-love each time.

Baekhyun remembers asking his brother how he can love so many people, how can he give a piece of himself to someone at the risk of losing himself in the end? 

“Love is a risk, brother.” Baekbeom had said and he still didn’t get it. 

Baekbeom married later on, of course. And Baekhyun thinks he understands what love is when his brother’s eyes softens as he looks at his wife, and the way his sister-in-law visibly melts as his brother gently caresses the tendrils of hair away from her face. 

Baekhyun thinks he understands. 

(But does he really?)

Baekhyun thinks he knows love every time Chanyeol looks at him. His almond shaped eyes sparkling with emotions he knows he’s unable to say out loud.

He thinks it’s in the way Chanyeol naturally gravitates towards him. In a room full of people, the taller never fails to look for him like he’s searching for the meaning of his existence only to find it the moment their eyes meet.

Baekhyun sometimes feels exposed whenever Chanyeol turns his eyes to him. He feels naked and vulnerable, as if Chanyeol can sense whenever Baekhyun feels his own heart getting heavier.

Baekhyun hates it because Chanyeol never fails to make his presence felt. 

It’s in the small gestures. A glance, a tilt of the head, a smile. Walking closer, hand brushing against his, pinky hooking against his for the briefest of moments before walking away. Standing far away from each other on the stage yet Chanyeol never fails to look at him, laugh with him, encourage his antics, and be _him._

Baekhyun hates the fact that it makes him so happy knowing that Chanyeol is trying very hard to be normal for the both of them.

And he can’t help but hope that the surge of affection in his chest is enough to compensate for his inability to love Chanyeol back.

  
  


\---

  
  


Baekhyun is not sadistic.

He’s selfish and he wants to keep Chanyeol but he’s not sadistic. 

He still wants to be the reason why Chanyeol smiles everyday, wants to be everything Chanyeol deserves.

So Baekhyun tries. He tries very hard to show how much he still cares about the taller.

“Yeollie. Chanyeollie. Chanyeollie-yeollie,” Baekhyun sings as he tiptoes towards the sleeping figure on the couch.

The taller figure grunts as he turns around to his side, pulling the blanket along with him.

Baekhyun thinks it’s cute how the 185cm man always tries to fit himself into the couch. The two of them stayed in the dorms after a harrowing schedule the night before while the rest of the members decided to go to their respective apartments. Both of them opted to stay here, to relive the good ol’ days, they said. 

But Baekhyun was sure he saw the taller man go to his old dorm room located on the floor below his… 

Chanyeol wakes up in phases, Baekhyun observes. He first makes a noise at the back of his throat as if he’s warming up to say hello. He then stretches, long limbs reaching out to the great beyond that Baekhyun knows he is destined to go. 

(Baekhyun felt fear grip his heart for a second because what if he can’t follow him there?)

His eyelids flutter open next, long lashes kissing his soft cheeks. 

“Baek?” Chanyeol croaked. How adorable, Baekyhun thinks. 

(He doesn’t deserve him.)

“You’re straining your neck.” Baekhyun whispers as he passes him a glass of water. Chanyeol licks his dry lips before taking a generous sip. “Why are you on this floor? Didn’t you sleep in your old room last night?”

“Ah, that.” Baekhyun notices Chanyeol gazes to his right, not particularly looking at anything and he knows the latter is anxious to tell the truth but he will anyway. Chanyeol can’t lie. At least not to him. 

“I wanted to keep you company up here but… uhh,” Chanyeol trails off and Baekhyun holds his breath. 

Anticipation raises his adrenaline, increasing his heart rate and Baekhyun thinks he’s sick, absolutely sick at how his toes curl at the idea of Chanyeol still wanting to be with him even after experiencing the bitter taste of rejection. 

Baekhyun is not sadistic. But he’s selfish, very much so, because while he is not in-love with the man in front of him, he still doesn’t want him to go. 

Chanyeol is special. Chanyeol is someone very dear to him and Baekhyun loves him, of course he does, he doesn’t doubt that fact. But it’s _just not the same._

(And that’s what hurts more because while he doesn’t want to hurt the taller, he knows the very fact that they’re still _here_ — )

“I made breakfast for the both of us,” Baekhyun cuts him off. He can sense Chanyeol’s discomfort at trying to form the right words. That was effective in shutting him up as Chanyeol’s face lit up at the thought of food. 

Baekhyun sees Chanyeol walk towards the kitchen and gape at the food laid on the table. Assorted fruits, a cold glass of orange juice, pancakes, eggs, and everything Baekhyun is able to physically cook given the sparseness of food in the dorm. He hopes he remembered Chanyeol’s favorite food correctly but the expression on the latter’s face says that it doesn’t matter either way. 

Baekhyun sat on the opposite side and started putting food on his own plate. He’s on a diet (as he usually is) but he’ll take today as cheat day. He has Chanyeol all to himself and the latter makes him inexplicably happy that Baekhyun thinks this day deserves a celebration. 

He looks up from his dish and sees Chanyeol staring at him. Chanyeol’s hair was disheveled from sleep and he can see his almond shaped eyes still clouded with sleep. But the way the latter’s eyes crinkle at the sides, the gentle smile gracing the handsome man’s lips, the way his shoulders relax…

Baekhyun bites his lips because he knows that look and he feels like shit.

(It hurts because he _knows_ and he can’t bring himself to feel the same way.) 

“Thank you, Baekhyun,” Chanyeol says softly and Baekhyun is scared, absolutely scared that he’ll say — “I love you.”

(And it hurts so fucking much because he knows and yet…)

The words are at the tip of his tongue and he wants to say it back but he knows that if he says it, it won’t mean the same way and Chanyeol doesn’t deserve that he only deserves the best —

Baekhyun reaches out to Chanyeol’s hand and squeezes in response instead. It’s the only thing he can do. 

And he hopes and prays to every god out there that Chanyeol understands that this is the best he can do. It’s the only thing he _can_ do and Baekhyun physically hurts at how Chanyeol’s smile widens at him, soft eyes conveying the endless love and gratitude that Baekhyun absolutely _does not deserve._

Baekhyun is willing to go to the depths of hell and back if only he can keep the light in Chanyeol shining its brightest. He will hold his hands and fight his demons and wipe his tears away.

(Even though he knows he’s the cause of most of them.) 

Baekhyun hopes that one day it could change, he can change and maybe, just maybe, he can love Chanyeol the way he deserves to be loved.

But that day doesn’t come as fast as he wants. 

  
  
  


**End**. 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading!
> 
> (huge thanks to my mvp, j for indulging and for going full on-editor mode on this one.)


End file.
